Grieving The End

 It's been a while since I wrote so I figured an update was due. On May 19, 2023, I closed the doors to my personal training business. That business was the most successful thing I've done in my lifetime. It gave me a purpose, and I used it to inspire and encourage other women to be the most badass version of themselves. My heart was deeply in it, so the closure has been pretty rough mentally. While, yes, I could have transferred my business to our next duty station, the cost would likely outweigh any benefits. Trust me when I say I made list after list of pros and cons, and shed many tears over the decision. What I didn't realize was the closure, combined with the uncertainty of the future including where we're headed to and when we're headed there, has dimmed my light and energy significantly. My anxiety is at an all-time high. To the point where for the last week I've dealt with stress-related hives. I miss my people. I miss making a difference. And I know that one day, in my new career, I will make a difference again. I just have to struggle through this season of life. Going from having my kids in school and daycare to having them home all day, every day has thinned my patience. I find it difficult to get up each morning knowing that my day only consists of cooking, cleaning, and running my kids all over creation. 

I always told my clients, 'control the controllables,' when they'd ask how to navigate through an unknown situation. That's the only way I'm getting through the days right now. I control how much time and effort I put into my schoolwork. I can pre-plan the execution of our move until we get those hard orders on paper. I can research schools and dance studios in the place we are moving to. What I can't seem to control is my attitude and my emotions. Anxiety makes me, like most people, irritable. Unfortunately, my husband and kids are often on the receiving end of that most times. The other day when I had an outward breakdown my husband was frustrated with me and I had to point out that what he saw and heard on the outside was nothing compared to what I'm dealing with on the inside. I am limiting my outbursts, it just doesn't seem that way. And I'm not proud of it, but the anti-anxiety medication and therapy are helping me hang on by a thread at this point. I hope that in the coming days, we'll have some more firm news so that I can put my pre-planning into action and feel some relief as the to-do list gets shorter. I would love nothing more than to give my kids some answers about where they'll start their school year, if they'll get to participate in marching band and dance team, or if they'll have to sit on the sidelines for a year. I think these are the things that give me the most anxiety. 

At least my school is going well. I finished up my last two classes with A's and aced my math final(which I'm super proud of). I'm a week away from finishing my first summer term with American History and the dumbest math class I'll never need, Topics In College Mathematics. But then I'll be completely done with math! Next term I'm taking an ethics class and Topics In Humanities. In the fall I'll be taking three classes instead of two, and depending on how I hold that down, I may take four for the spring semester. After that, I should be done with my GenEd classes. Hooray! 

Since we're getting ready to move, my husband has been racing to finish my death machine, errr, car.  ;) We bought a 1997 Honda Del Sol amid the Covid19 pandemic as something to do, but car parts are expensive and the Navy makes my husband go out to sea. :p But she's almost done, and I can't wait to terrorize people around these parts for a few weeks with my obnoxiously loud, and fast car. Beep Beep! 

That's pretty much all that's going on at the moment. I'm in the 'boring' part of school, and all I do is worry about everything these days. The worry has taken me back to some dark places that I don't like revisiting. Some of those deaths I spoke of earlier have also come back to haunt me in recent weeks and I am missing those lost ones dearly. But I am hanging on for the ride. I know myself, and I'll put up out of the hole once things settle a little. I just don't know when that's going to be.