Scared To Death
If life has taught me anything, it's 'hang on.' It's been a wild ride since my last entry, fraught with every emotion I know. No amount of book learning or schooling can prepare you for reality and the highs and lows it can bring you to. On one hand, everything I was worried about in my last entry worked out. I went to some great lengths to make it all work out, but it did nonetheless. My husband finally received his orders and I embarked on the most stressful PCS in my 20 years as a military spouse. But, my kids got to participate in their activities and are thriving in them and school. I landed a job that has helped me to feel like a productive member of society again and be able to influence those around me. The hours are part-time but they're perfect where my family is concerned. I'm home when everyone needs me to be, and I'm only missing a few hours out of my day that could be used for other things. While we had planned to move into base housing, that didn't work out. Definitely a story for another day but it's an interesting look into how one simple inaction can lead to a snowball of events. We actually ended up buying a 123-year-old house right in the heart of Groton City, and to say I love where we live would be an understatement. I can walk out on my front porch and see the beautiful Thames River. I can look out my bedroom window and see the historic Fort Griswold monument and the Gold Star Bridge. It's truly beautiful and I never want to leave it. There's still a lot of restorative work to be done, and I won't lie and say the forward pitch of our creaky stairs doesn't scare the shit out of me every morning, but this was where we were supposed to land. And just like everything in this blog has to do with my big change of pursuing mortuary school, the former owner of the house passed away just last spring and left quite a legacy within our community.
So while these are all good things, so many changes have taken place. I am so proud of my kids' bravery to step into new schools and new teams and groups. I know that can't be easy for a rising high school senior and freshman. My little guy has had all the adjustments in the world to deal with, but with the help of professionals around us, has also begun thriving. So what am I scared of? It's not the moving, or making new connections. My fears are based on stumbling backward into a place of darkness. They're based on never quite getting into a new routine. I have preached, for the last decade of my life, that just about any hardship can be overcome with enough hard work and the right attitude. I have, at times, looked down upon those who may not have things as 'together' as me. But even though everything has worked out for my family, I'm now in the midst of something I don't have control over, and let me tell you, I feel like the biggest hypocrite of them all.
About a year ago I started losing quite a bit of my grip strength. So much so that I began to incorporate training aids like grips. While those have helped me continue to pursue feats of strength, my gym habits have become less than ideal through our transitional phase over the last few months. I think between August and now I might have stepped foot into a gym a dozen times. What was once a daily habit for me, and a source of stress management, became just another chore I had to tick off the list. Even though the gym has always been good for my mental health, the mere thought of one more thing to do in my day while I fielded phone calls and emails and tried to find a place just to live became too much to bear. So I let it slide because that was the easiest thing to give up. And I'm not bashing myself for that, truly. It is what it is. Now, over the last six months, I started waking up with both of my arms and hands numb from the elbow down. When the feeling comes back to them, the joint pain can be incredible. I've experienced carpal tunnel pains in the past but this seems different. Why was it so sudden? Why is it exactly the same numbness and pain in both arms? Why is it now starting at my bicep and traveling down instead of my elbow? I can be sitting at my desk, hands in my lap, and all of a sudden have complete numbness. Holding a paintbrush for even a couple minutes brings on almost immediate cramps and pain in my hands. While I can still go about my daily tasks and work through the discomfort, it's alarming that it began so suddenly and has progressed so quickly. Of course, I talked to my doctor about it and expressed my concerns that my future profession relies so much upon the use of my hands and arms, and even my physical strength. At this point, I can barely pick up a sheet of 1/4" drywall without it slipping out of my grip. I don't know if this has something to do with not going to the gym regularly. Was that suppressing my symptoms? Or, am I about to be hit with some autoimmune thing because of all the stress of the past year? So I now have this overwhelming anxiety any time I even think about going to the gym because I know it's going to hurt, and not feeling in control of my body is something I haven't felt in so long. I'm trying to push myself there three times a week, but it's usually more like one or two. Holding on to even a ten-pound weight is painful, and I lose so much feeling in my hands and arms that even using machines is difficult.
So, what do we do about this? Monday I had a nerve conduction study and EMG performed. Hopefully, I get those results before the end of the week, but Navy medicine isn't always the fastest. In the meantime, I just hope and pray it doesn't get worse. I'm transferring colleges from public to private, and the mere thought of completing part of it and not getting to finish because of this, makes my wallet cry. I try to continue doing smaller 'work' with my hands like knitting and playing flute again, but even driving is uncomfortable most days. I feel like I've bounced from one kind of anxiety to another. It's absolutely exhausting but I'm just trying to smile my way through it and focus on the house. At least in that, I can see progress, and it keeps my mind occupied.
I have a plethora of things to write about and recount so maybe that will also keep my mind engaged. Thankfully my next term(at my new school!) is right around the corner and will also give me something to focus on. It's no fun being scared to death.
